A man has bought an SUV only to discover he’s not special, he’s not unique and in reality, nobody could give two shits about his new car.
Mr. James Blitherington, who didn’t want to be named for legal reasons, bought his generic, overly-tall, frankly pointless vehicle with a view to being perceived as successful and as a righteous commander of the roads.
“I thought, after spending a considerable amount of time reading internet forums, that I’d be better off in an SUV. It’d be like having one of those Rangecruisers but without any of that stupid four-by-four nonsense. I just wanted the look. I’ve zero intention of taking it off the A34.”
Mr. Blitherington, who also has plastic ‘Greek style’ pillars flanking the front door of his house, despite him being about as Greek as pint of John Smiths, has been ultimately disappointed with his vehicle choice.
“I thought I’d be high up. Higher then everyone else on the road. But when I got stuck in traffic whilst on my way to a local swingers party, I noticed that every other driver was at eye level with me.
I was distraught. I bought this bloody thing so that I could feel superior. Now I’ve realised that’s not the case. Everybody is the same. I’m outraged. And it’s not as if I can justify it by using it off road. The bugger is only front-wheel drive.
There has been further heartbreak since we spoke to Mr. Blitherington. He’s come to realise that not only is his car useless off-road despite looking like it shouldn’t be, it’s also deeply uneconomical, it handles terribly and it’s no more practical than the Golf TFSI he traded in.
Furthermore, we understand that when playing ‘keys in the bowl’, Mr. Blitherington always goes home alone. Proof, then, that he should have bought a proper car to begin with. Not a piss-poor pastiche of a proper off-roader. The twonk.