Not 2 Grand Cars

The five most boring bargain motors…

These are not the cars you’re looking for, unless you’re quite dull.

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The whole motivation behind Not 2 Grand crashing into your internet is a staunch belief that to be a budget motorist does not mean you have to be a boring motorist. We’ve never had much in the way of money, but even so, we have managed to have reasonably interesting cars.

Okay, so a lot of them blew up, or were so terrible we wished they would have blown up, but whatever. That’s not the point. The point is that you can have a decent car for not a lot of cash. You don’t need to be generic in your choice of automobile if you’re light on funds.

So with that in mind, here are five cars that may lull you in with their bargain prices, but should actually be left well alone. For boring be thy name.

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The Vauxhall Insignia…

We’ve touched on this before, and we struggled what to say then. The Insignia is not a bad car per se. In fact, if you measure its qualities against what the Oxford Dictionary says a car should be, the Insignia does quite well. The fact it is good as being what it was built to be does not make it exciting. Put it this way, John in accounts is really good at accounting. But you wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time with him, would you? If the Insignia were a person. It would be John from accounts. In fact, John probably drives an Insignia. And what’s more, he probably likes it. Eesh.

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The BMW X5…

Yeah, the BMW X5. There is a reason the X5 hasn’t made it onto the pages, and that’s because it’s unspeakably dull. Have you ever met an X5 driver who can go more than three minutes without forcing the fact that, they are in fact, an X5 driver? If vegans had company cars, they’d be X5s. Because THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU THEY ARE ONE/DRIVE ONE. Though weirdly, this is only the owners of cheap X5s. And therefor, they’re missing the point. A cool bargain car isn’t something to brag about. It’s something to let jealous eyes survey. They can’t do that if you blurt out that it’s yours and it cost £1,895.

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The Proton Gen 2…

Jesus wept, look at it.

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The Subaru Impreza…

Specifically, the third generation base spec Impreza. You know, the one with steel wheels and a 1.5 litre engine. That one. A which, much like the Insignia, is perfectly good at doing what a car should. But it’s actually worse than the Insignia. You see, the Impreza is tainted by its WRX ties. As such, anything that isn’t a WRX has all the appeal of being poked in the eye with a carrot. Yes, the Insignia had the VXR, but only three of those were sold. Thousands of WRXs were sold, and the base runabout can’t escape that. It’s boring because in the right spec, it’s too exciting. It’s a wheeled paradox.

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The Ford Fusion…

In America, the Ford Fusion is to the cheeseburger and gun enthusiasts what the Mondeo is to us. Same car, in fact. And a good car at that. The Fusion we got, however, was not a good car. The name promised so much, but the hideous ‘is it an estate or is it a van or it has old people in it so it might be a small hearse’ look of the thing… well, that ruined the name. Old people loved it, because it was tall so they could get in and out without throwing a hip. It was available in nineteen shades of beige. It was, from bumper to bumper, duller than trying to read the instructions to a microwave. Also, no Fusion in ever sold has ever reach such a speed that fourth or fifth gear need be engaged. 30mph. Tops. In third gear. Everywhere.