Dur nur, dur ner ner ner, dur nur, der ner ner ner,
NER NER, NUUUH, NER NER, D’NER NER-NER NER!
James Bond, he’s awesome. He makes the ladies go “ooooh” and he makes the men go “what a legend” all while he sips, with a cool sophistication, from a glass of shaken (not stirred) Vodka Martini. He’s one exceptionally cool customer, and that’s something that we here at Not2Grand would like to emulate. The only problem is we don’t have access to M’s credit card. Hmmm.
From beating up baddies in Bosnia to impressing lasses in Latvia, Bond can do it all. However, some might say (mainly us, as we need this post to make sense) that he’s somewhat dependent on his wheels from time to time. He’s been in many a pickle over the decades, and on a good number of occasions it’s been his motor that has seen him to safety.
The Bond car really is just as important as Bond himself, and after digging about we’ve discovered that you, dear reader, can own your very own chunk of Bond machinery (not the actual machinery you understand – just their normal civilian equivalent) for no more than our £2,000 budget. Remember though, civilian. Any oil slicks coming from the back along with smoke will be due to poor maintenance and/or no service history.
We’re sorry we can only offer you the ‘normal’ versions. We’d love to encourage you to buy cars with rocket launchers in the cup-holders and grenades in the spare wheel, but in this day and age it’s probably not advised. Unless you live in Moss Side, or Hackney; it’s more a matter of self-preservation there. Anyway, we digress.
So, a Bond car for under £2,000? Before you phone Moss Bros to hire a tux, calm yourself down. You’re not getting an Aston Martin DBS within our budget. You might get a toy version, but certainly not a real car. In fact, £2,000 wouldn’t even get you this lump of scrap that Bond bounced off its roof in Casino Royale while swerving to avoid the oh so pretty Vesper Lynd.
What the budget will get you, however, is one of these big suckers from Tomorrow Never Dies – the BMW E38. Put that eyebrow down, we’re bang on the money here. Do you not remember that brief period when the producers of the Bond movies took a large bag of money from some friendly German men in BMW coats? It was on the proviso that the blue and white roundel would find its way into the Bond movie franchise. Anything? Never mind. Basically, Bond drove BMWs for a bit, and now – in the real world – they’re really quite cheap. Which is good, considering you’re probably going to end up launching it from a multi-story car park. Got to be authentic to your Bond aspirations.
Before you do fling it off your local shopping centre’s parking structure, you might want to take a moment to bask in its luxury. Okay, so you won’t have high-voltage door-handles or a rocket-launcher roof, but you will have leather by the acre and gizmos in numbers so great they could rival a Dixons stock-list. Moving it all along will be the same 5.0 V12 engine from the film, if you’re brave enough to buy a cheap one. Or more likely, a 3.0 or 4.4 V8. All are mated up to a silky smooth auto ‘box which is no slouch, despite having to shove two tons of car along. This really is all the car Bond should have ever needed… had he not flung it into a branch of Avis Rent-A-Car, the lummox.
Not for you? How about something a bit more French. Yeah, the 2CV as seen in For Your Eyes Only? Well tough. You can’t have one because they’re bizarrely expensive. It seems the market is there for France’s most quirky automobile. Who knew? We would suggest the Renault 11 from A View To A Kill, but you’d have a job finding one. And after all that effort, you’d have to cut the roof off it.
Let’s move on from French oddities. What if you don’t want to be Bond? What if you want to be the bad guy? Worry not, for we have you covered. From a car point of view, that is. We’re offering no cover in a gunfight context. Bond will kick your ass.
Bond baddies favour big German cars like Mercedes-Benz, and again these can be had for not-alotta-dosh. That should please Miss Moneypenny’s expenses spreadsheet. We had a Mercedes 300SE on the personal N2G fleet, which we use for all kinds of criminal acts (not really Mr. Policeman) of an evening. It only cost us £200 too, leaving us with loads to spend on sharp suits and Ray Bans, just like real baddies. Admittedly, that was a while ago. But they’re still out there for within budget. They might be a bit rough, but that’s fine. After all, Bond is only going to riddle it with bullet holes.
Fancy something a little more stylish and a little less German? How about an Alfa Romeo? We recently posted our take on the 159, after which we found ourselves lusting over the classifieds. This is a handsome, exciting and rather brilliant car. Plus, it’s perfect bad guy fodder thanks to its very angry face. And they’re so cheap these days that it simply doesn’t matter if you end up at the bottom of a quarry. You can just go out and buy another.
If all that is too exciting for you, you could buy the most stunning and dynamic Bond car of all. It was a revelation in Bond technology. It was a masterclass of finesse. It was the epitome of spy sophistication. Or, it was none of those things. Because it was the Ford Mondeo. Hmmm.
Okay, so it’s not the most exciting car to hit the silver screen. But in all honesty, it’s probably going to be the one that doesn’t break down or force you to mortgage a child every time you fill it up. Just fit some paintball guns to the front bumper or something, that should do the trick.