An anonymous automotive spy has come forward to Not £2 Grand to reveal that executives at the German car company admitted recently that the E38 7 Series was a company high point and that, with more recent designs, they had “f**ked it”.
Stephan Klandestine, who asked to not be named, told Not £2 Grand that once the design of the E38 was completed in the mid 1990s, designers were left with no choice but to quit, as it was evident they would never eclipse this high-point. “They looked at it” said Klandestine, “and some of them just stared at it. Others sobbed. One even ate his pencils. They knew they’d done it. They knew they had achieved automotive perfection. Seriously, where could they go after that?” Klandestine, with a sigh, went on to explain how it all went to shit afterwards, with cars like the dubious E36 hatchback and the X3 making it to production. He admitted that the E39 was excellent, and is a design classic. But next to the E38? Incomparable.
“They were just drawing anything. Any car they could. They didn’t even try to design a better car. Why would they? It was impossible, the E38 was perfection” explained Klandestine. “And then, some genius decided to put M Parallel alloys on the E38 and give it a subtle face-lift. That was it. The design department went home. They’ve not been back since.”
This would explain a lot, but we wanted to know more. “The engineers just created an algorithm” tells Klandestine. “It was robot learning, and for some reason it grabbed onto the idea of the grille and didn’t stop. The next generation of 5 Series will just be a grille on 19inch alloys. Seriously. I’ve seen it.” Then, Klandestine began to shake, at which point we offered to end the interview. “NEIN!” He snapped. “The people need to know. The design machine has made the next step. It is now self-aware. It is ‘alive’. It needs to be stopped. Please. Please help.”
A BMW 7 Series, tomorrow.
Clearly panicked, Klandestine ran from the room. We have not been able to reach him since. We did reach out to the design department for comment, but we just got that noise from a 1997 modem. Weird.