Most of the time we try to be sensible here at Not2Grand. As such, we suggest cars like the Citroen C4 Picasso or the BMW 1-Series. Cars that you can buy, and cars that will happily serve you well. It’s all about the solid consumer advice here, or at least that’s what we try and tell ourselves. Sometimes though, a stupid idea drops into our noggin and we just have to run with it. In this particular case, that stupid idea revolves around the limousine.
Yep, the limousine. It is the automotive mullet – business up front, but a party at (or rather in) the back. And you can buy yourself a long car for not a lot of money. You could say we’re really stretching the budget here. Ah ha! Sorry. That was terrible.
First up, we have this Volvo 960. As you can probably guess, this isn’t the kind of limousine you’d see rolling through the town centre on a Saturday night, usually with someone call Sharon screaming obscenities out of the sunroof while wearing a phallus-shaped hat. No, this is an ex-funeral limousine. In fact, with the exception of one on this list, they all are.
Okay, so it’s a sombre backstory. But hey, look at the bright side. That lovely deep carpet won’t be saturated with vomit and low-grade cocaine, which is good. Plus, an ex-funeral limousine will be pristine. The engine probably hasn’t gone past 1,500rpm and furthermore, they’re plush. You can’t go and stick your dear old Nan in the ground without leather and air-conditioning, that’s a fact.
The Volvo 960 here is a mere £1,695. That’s peanuts. It would have cost thousands and thousands to build this sucker, and given that it’s a six-door model, it’s been built well. Plus, it’s practical. And given that it’s a Volvo, it’s probably safe, too. Not convinced? How about…
…a Vauxhall Omega? This one could be yours for just £1,895 and it’s newer than the Volvo. What’s not to love? Okay, there’s the fact it’s a Vauxhall. The fact it’s black. And the… well, the list goes on. But hey, it’s only got 31,000 on the clock – you’ll never find another Omega with that kind of mileage. And this one was built buy Wilcox Limousines. According to the listing, that’s a renowned coachbuilder. Not that we’d know.
Still not sold? How about something a bit more Germanic?
Oh yes, that’s a W124 Mercedes-Benz limousine. Buy this and you’re a full-on Russian mobster. The neighbours will fear you. The Police will offer you high-speed escorts without question, while smaller nations will buckle to your every whim. Or, the neighbours will think you’re mad and you’ll get annoyed every time you try and squeeze it into a parking space at Lidl. But sod it, it’s only £1,495. That’s a bargain in anyone’s book. You get eight seats, a year’s MOT and six whole doors. There are houses that don’t have that many.
Okay, the Scorpio was a silly idea. In fact, all of them are really (though that Volvo 760 remains in our eBay watch list, curiously). How about something with a bit of stretch that you could actually use every day? Something like, say, this Rover 75?
How nice is that? It’s got a bit of extra metal between the driver and the rear passengers, but it’s not obscenely long. You could live with this quite easily. Plus, it’s so very plush inside, and it has sat-nav built in. Perfect for Uber duties should you fancy a career change. Failing that, it’s bound to get the approval of your in-laws when you pick them up from the train station. Lots of leather, a smooth quad-cam V6 and automatic transmission. Oof, it’ll be like driving a cloud.
Finally, if you’re worried about getting your face smashed in, don’t worry, limousines are actually pretty damn tough, as friend-of-Not2Grand Tom Ford proves in the video above. Though it might be worth putting the fizzy wine down and putting your seat-belt on. Just saying.